JJ Patterson: Broker of Mortgages. Bringer of Fiber. Tamer of Lawns.
"Some men dream. JJ catches fish. And sells fiber."
Built in a lab. Raised by contracts. Fueled by Gatorade and HOA violations.
JJ Patterson is a triple threat. Fiber. Finance. Fescue. Born during a blackout. Sold his first premium connectivity package at 6. Approved his first FHA loan during recess. Landscaped his own crib using only scissors and spite. Has never gone a conversation without saying "let me be transparent with you." Once caught a 10-pound bass using only a fiber optic cable as bait. The fish signed up for gigabit internet before being released.
(indoors)
(on accident)
(some were public parks)
"I don't sell fiber. I provide connectivity solutions that empower your digital transformation journey. It's not about gigabits — it's about relationship-building and adding value to your ecosystem."
— JJ Patterson, while crushing a Red Bull
Services
JJ doesn't offer services. He bestows gifts upon the worthy.
- Will 'circle back' on your 'pain points'
- Guarantees to 'touch base' at least 17 times
- Calls fiber 'the ultimate bandwidth solution'
- Uses the phrase 'synergistic connectivity' unironically
- Somehow sells fiber to homes already connected
- Pre-approved you before you clicked
- Legally owns 3 calculators
- Makes bankers cry with his negotiation skills
- Plants scream in fear
- Once trimmed a bonsai into the shape of the Mona Lisa
- Your neighbors will develop lawn envy
- Uses fishing metaphors in every sales pitch
- Carries fiber samples in his tackle box
- Knows the best 'spots' for high-commission clients
- Will show you pictures of his biggest sales like they're trophy fish
- Somehow relates internet speed to water current
Client Testimonials
(obviously fake)
JJ asked if I had 'a minute to discuss my connectivity needs' and 4 hours later I owned the premium fiber package with the business tier add-on. I live alone.
— Ghost of Tesla
His hedge work… changed my marriage.
— Local Dad
He said 'trust me' and now I live in a botanical paradise with a 2.3% APR.
— Probably Real Person
Gallery
Witness the legend in action
Book the Enigma
JJ will sense your request. He will arrive when the time is right.
Sales Achievements
JJ's legendary sales performance metrics
- The "Let me be completely honest with you" opener
- The "What would it take to get you connected today?" close
- The "I'm not supposed to do this, but..." discount
- The "I need to check with my manager" fake phone call
- The "This offer expires today" urgency creation
- Used "synergy" 642 times in a single sales call
- Referred to basic internet as "digital transformation"
- Called a router a "multi-platform engagement solution"
- Described WiFi as "wireless ecosystem enablement"
- Pitched fiber to a customer who already had it
The Fishing Connection
JJ applies his fishing expertise to every sales call
- Patience: Will wait 7 hours for a client to say "yes"
- Knows when to set the hook on a prospect
- Uses "catch and release" only for clients under quota
- Can tell a fish story that makes fiber sound exciting
- Carries business cards in his tackle box
- "Big one" = Enterprise client
- "Casting a wide net" = Mass email campaign
- "Perfect bait" = Unnecessary router upgrade
- "Reeling them in" = Closing technique
- "The one that got away" = Lost to competitor
FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions about the legend himself